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heirtothearcane“How can I help?” I mimicked Isidor’s shadow as she moved from one desk to the next, handing out papers and checking everyone was alright. “I want to help.”
“Sit down, and stay safe,” Isidor told me. “You’ll help me so much by doing that alone.”
Still, I persisted. “But I can do so much more! I can help! I can check stores, or enchant lights for some of the shelters…”
She spun on her heels to face me. “No magic!” We both glanced around at the eyes her raised voice had managed to attract. With a sigh, she spoke quietly to me. “It takes too much energy. We have to conserve everything we have until this passes over us.”
“Well what can I do?” My exasperation gave way and I raised my arms to let them fall hard against my sides again. “I can’t sit here and do nothing. Not when there’s so much to be done.”
Isidor’s head turned to Runa whose desk we had just arrived at. The look they shared told me they’d had a Talk. I hated that look. It made me feel like I was child the parents were keeping secrets from, which wasn’t a feeling one should get from their wife and their sister.
“You could help me make snowshoes,” Runa offered cheerily. Before I could feign something to replace my scepticism she added, “People will need them to transport people and stock. The expedition members will need them even more.”
That was a point I couldn’t argue, so I resigned myself to making a poor attempt at making snowshoes. Nobody would wear mine, but I would still make them.
✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾
The days were getting longer. Everyone was getting worn down slowly but steadily, so I wasn’t surprised when Runa disappeared. We all needed a break now and then. I just wanted to make sure she was alright. So I searched for her, and eventually opened our makeshift bedroom with four makeshift beds to accompany the double bed already there.
She stood at the window, arms folded tightly, and when she spun around at the sound of the door, she turned away just as quickly to wipe at her eyes. “Oh! Viatorus!”
“Hello.” My voice was meeker than I’d intended, my attention consumed by the hands frantically brushing at her face. I closed the door softly and cautiously approached. “Are you alright?”
With a flourish, she spun around and beamed widely at me. She was, as she always was, the picture of happiness. Except that her eyelashes barely held back the tears, and her cheeks still glistened. “Yes!”
Compared to her smile, mine was soft, ready to be reshaped by whatever words passed between us next. Part of me wanted to tell her not to lie to me… but the rest of me knew she wasn’t really lying. Not with her eyes.
I walked up to her, and wrapped my arms around her. It was easier now, these days. After we’d been around each other for so long, slept in the same bed, and now huddled together for warmth. With her, it was easier. She clung to me as if I was a life raft in a stormy ocean.
“I’m so scared,” she whispered over my shoulder. “For you, for me, for Isidor… Everyone.”
I held her for a moment longer and then pulled away so that I could hold her face in my hands. Her skin was sticky from half dried tears and warm from her worried heart. “We are going to be fine. We’ll be safe, even if we’re not comfortable. We’ll survive this, even if we won’t be happy the whole time. We’ll be alright.” My smile returned and my eyebrows rose to prompt her. “Ok?”
This time her eyes smiled too. “Ok.”
And then just like that, they stopped smiling again. Worry returned. I could see it. I could feel it. Her gaze fell to her hands as they rested lightly on my chest. Secretly I was thankful she wasn’t looking at me. I was at a loss. I’d done the right thing, said the right thing. How did it not help? It wasn’t enough, and I didn’t know what was.
Her eyes met mine suddenly and searched. I don’t know what for. Surely my confusion showed, but still she searched. Just as my lips parted to ask a question, she rose to her toes and pressed her lips against mine. She lingered when she pulled away, searching again, then gave me another kiss, and another, and another. They came quick and fast and yearning. She pushed me until the back of my legs were against the bed and I fell into a sit. That didn’t stop her. I didn’t stop her. Not as she climbed on top of me with those searching kisses. Not as she pulled my cardigan off with those searching hands.
I was stunned by my own bewilderment. My skin burned while my mind reeled. All I could feel was an overwhelming need radiating from her. So strong that even trying to shield my emotions from hers I felt it. A deep, desperate need. Not for me. For something else. Searching. It was all consuming and unwavering as she undid buttons and pressed harder against me. It was all I could feel. An anguished, frenzied need.
Need. Need. Need. NEED!
“Oh.”
Runa grabbed her jumper back to cover herself. I strained to turn and see Lyall awkwardly averting his gaze in the doorway.
“I’ll- Uh… I’ll come back later,” he mumbled.
“No.” Runa was already dressed again as if nothing had happened. “No, we don’t want to keep you. Y-You have important work to do.” She cleared her throat and hurried out of the room.
In comparison I was a bit slower getting myself together, left utterly confused and somewhat embarrassed. Not by Lyall. I’d been around servants as far back as I could remember. Still, somehow I felt as if I hadn’t helped Runa at all. Did I… Did I make it worse?
✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾
The closer the torches moved, the closer everything felt. It was as though the world shrank and the crowds condensed. Even when I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air, the spot at the corner of the main building had more people around it than usual. I was tired of feeling useless. It reminded me of the entities we were so often told about that would latch onto people and slowly drain them of their life. I wondered how many were here, tormenting people. Not everyone had the warded room I did.
I wondered if I was one of those entities.
Or the same, at least. I could do nothing useful. I tried to help lift boxes, but when Isidor saw me using magic, she lectured me. When I tried to use my arms, I could barely move one box before I was tired. I tried making snowshoes. I tried supporting my wife. I couldn’t even do that. An empath who couldn’t make his own wife feel better… For the first time in my life I wished the Archon was with me. He would have fixed this, even if he would have made me feel awful along the way. I didn’t care. I just wanted this to end.
It wasn’t going to end any time soon. I knew that. I knew that in the deepest part of me. Which was part of the reason why, as I stared at a group of three people huddled on the ground next to the wall, I couldn’t do nothing.
“Hello.” I smiled softly at the three of them. They were obviously alien, with red skin and two pairs of eyes. I couldn’t blame them for eyeing me warily, but it did make me feel awkward. I knelt down a respectful distance away from them. “I’m Viatorus. Why are you here in the cold?”
“We’re waiting.” The largest one of them tilted their chin up. “For a friend. We have to meet them here.”
That… made sense. I nodded my understanding and, eager to help, I offered, “Would you like a bit of warmth while you wait?”
The one who spoke before perked up. “You have a radiator?”
“I have… magic,” I answered hesitantly, unsure if that was better or worse. Holding open my palm, I smiled. “Look.”
It was slow at first, because fire and warmth are not my area, and they began to look sceptical. The past few weeks I’d gotten plenty of practice, however, so I was still able to heat up the air around the three of us. They began to smile, halfway between awe and relief. Finally. I was helping.
“Hey!” I hadn’t seen the four large men approaching us, but suddenly there they were, looming over us.
My hand snapped back quickly and I scrambled to my feet. They hadn’t said anything more than a greeting, but everything about them put me on edge. I didn’t need to be an empath to see how hungry and cold they were despite the way they squared their shoulders.
“You can do magic?” The first one asked as they continued to approach me. They were blocking off the route back to the building, pushing me down this alley instead.
All I could do was stammer.
Another, taller man got to the point. “You can make warmth?”
Maybe they were fine. Maybe they were nice. They didn’t mean to be menacing. They didn’t mean to be scary. I repeated these things to myself, hopeful they were true. If they were, I’d feel horrible for doing anything rude. If they weren’t… well, would my feeble lying really help? A sleep spell lingered at my fingertips despite my desperate hope.
“I-I…. Yes.” It came out as a squeak.
A few precious seconds passed, with all of us looking between each other. My hope strengthened… And then the taller man grabbed my shoulder. I didn’t even hear the words he started to growl. In my sudden, sharp terror, I turned away to shield myself from whatever attack he might give, and threw out my hand to cast the spell.
While my eyes were covered I heard his body thud against the half-cleared path. The other men yelled in outrage and I pulled up a shield around myself as quickly as I could and held it. When I looked up, however, I saw two men on the ground, not one. Then three, suddenly, as Runa’s bodyguard ducked, weaved, winded and threw the men down one by one. I’d never seen anyone move so fast, so confidently, and with such strength. I stood and stared in awe of this terrifying display of protective violence, horrified and entranced.
T’Valan surveyed her defeated opponents and shoved one with her boot so that he wasn’t face down in the snow. Then she looked at me for a long, long moment, and tilted her head full of silent reproach. Fear was replaced with a deep, sickening guilt. I dropped my shield, ducked my head, and hurried back into the building with a whispered thank you and not even a backwards glance to the aliens I’d met moments before.
Inside the building nobody knew what had happened. They hadn’t even noticed I was gone. They didn’t need my help. They didn’t want it. And I couldn’t give it.
I sat down behind Runa as she worked the desk.
I sat down, and stayed safe.
And hoped that helped.
“Sit down, and stay safe,” Isidor told me. “You’ll help me so much by doing that alone.”
Still, I persisted. “But I can do so much more! I can help! I can check stores, or enchant lights for some of the shelters…”
She spun on her heels to face me. “No magic!” We both glanced around at the eyes her raised voice had managed to attract. With a sigh, she spoke quietly to me. “It takes too much energy. We have to conserve everything we have until this passes over us.”
“Well what can I do?” My exasperation gave way and I raised my arms to let them fall hard against my sides again. “I can’t sit here and do nothing. Not when there’s so much to be done.”
Isidor’s head turned to Runa whose desk we had just arrived at. The look they shared told me they’d had a Talk. I hated that look. It made me feel like I was child the parents were keeping secrets from, which wasn’t a feeling one should get from their wife and their sister.
“You could help me make snowshoes,” Runa offered cheerily. Before I could feign something to replace my scepticism she added, “People will need them to transport people and stock. The expedition members will need them even more.”
That was a point I couldn’t argue, so I resigned myself to making a poor attempt at making snowshoes. Nobody would wear mine, but I would still make them.
✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾ ◦ ✾
The days were getting longer. Everyone was getting worn down slowly but steadily, so I wasn’t surprised when Runa disappeared. We all needed a break now and then. I just wanted to make sure she was alright. So I searched for her, and eventually opened our makeshift bedroom with four makeshift beds to accompany the double bed already there.
She stood at the window, arms folded tightly, and when she spun around at the sound of the door, she turned away just as quickly to wipe at her eyes. “Oh! Viatorus!”
“Hello.” My voice was meeker than I’d intended, my attention consumed by the hands frantically brushing at her face. I closed the door softly and cautiously approached. “Are you alright?”
With a flourish, she spun around and beamed widely at me. She was, as she always was, the picture of happiness. Except that her eyelashes barely held back the tears, and her cheeks still glistened. “Yes!”
Compared to her smile, mine was soft, ready to be reshaped by whatever words passed between us next. Part of me wanted to tell her not to lie to me… but the rest of me knew she wasn’t really lying. Not with her eyes.
I walked up to her, and wrapped my arms around her. It was easier now, these days. After we’d been around each other for so long, slept in the same bed, and now huddled together for warmth. With her, it was easier. She clung to me as if I was a life raft in a stormy ocean.
“I’m so scared,” she whispered over my shoulder. “For you, for me, for Isidor… Everyone.”
I held her for a moment longer and then pulled away so that I could hold her face in my hands. Her skin was sticky from half dried tears and warm from her worried heart. “We are going to be fine. We’ll be safe, even if we’re not comfortable. We’ll survive this, even if we won’t be happy the whole time. We’ll be alright.” My smile returned and my eyebrows rose to prompt her. “Ok?”
This time her eyes smiled too. “Ok.”
And then just like that, they stopped smiling again. Worry returned. I could see it. I could feel it. Her gaze fell to her hands as they rested lightly on my chest. Secretly I was thankful she wasn’t looking at me. I was at a loss. I’d done the right thing, said the right thing. How did it not help? It wasn’t enough, and I didn’t know what was.
Her eyes met mine suddenly and searched. I don’t know what for. Surely my confusion showed, but still she searched. Just as my lips parted to ask a question, she rose to her toes and pressed her lips against mine. She lingered when she pulled away, searching again, then gave me another kiss, and another, and another. They came quick and fast and yearning. She pushed me until the back of my legs were against the bed and I fell into a sit. That didn’t stop her. I didn’t stop her. Not as she climbed on top of me with those searching kisses. Not as she pulled my cardigan off with those searching hands.
I was stunned by my own bewilderment. My skin burned while my mind reeled. All I could feel was an overwhelming need radiating from her. So strong that even trying to shield my emotions from hers I felt it. A deep, desperate need. Not for me. For something else. Searching. It was all consuming and unwavering as she undid buttons and pressed harder against me. It was all I could feel. An anguished, frenzied need.
Need. Need. Need. NEED!
“Oh.”
Runa grabbed her jumper back to cover herself. I strained to turn and see Lyall awkwardly averting his gaze in the doorway.
“I’ll- Uh… I’ll come back later,” he mumbled.
“No.” Runa was already dressed again as if nothing had happened. “No, we don’t want to keep you. Y-You have important work to do.” She cleared her throat and hurried out of the room.
In comparison I was a bit slower getting myself together, left utterly confused and somewhat embarrassed. Not by Lyall. I’d been around servants as far back as I could remember. Still, somehow I felt as if I hadn’t helped Runa at all. Did I… Did I make it worse?
The closer the torches moved, the closer everything felt. It was as though the world shrank and the crowds condensed. Even when I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air, the spot at the corner of the main building had more people around it than usual. I was tired of feeling useless. It reminded me of the entities we were so often told about that would latch onto people and slowly drain them of their life. I wondered how many were here, tormenting people. Not everyone had the warded room I did.
I wondered if I was one of those entities.
Or the same, at least. I could do nothing useful. I tried to help lift boxes, but when Isidor saw me using magic, she lectured me. When I tried to use my arms, I could barely move one box before I was tired. I tried making snowshoes. I tried supporting my wife. I couldn’t even do that. An empath who couldn’t make his own wife feel better… For the first time in my life I wished the Archon was with me. He would have fixed this, even if he would have made me feel awful along the way. I didn’t care. I just wanted this to end.
It wasn’t going to end any time soon. I knew that. I knew that in the deepest part of me. Which was part of the reason why, as I stared at a group of three people huddled on the ground next to the wall, I couldn’t do nothing.
“Hello.” I smiled softly at the three of them. They were obviously alien, with red skin and two pairs of eyes. I couldn’t blame them for eyeing me warily, but it did make me feel awkward. I knelt down a respectful distance away from them. “I’m Viatorus. Why are you here in the cold?”
“We’re waiting.” The largest one of them tilted their chin up. “For a friend. We have to meet them here.”
That… made sense. I nodded my understanding and, eager to help, I offered, “Would you like a bit of warmth while you wait?”
The one who spoke before perked up. “You have a radiator?”
“I have… magic,” I answered hesitantly, unsure if that was better or worse. Holding open my palm, I smiled. “Look.”
It was slow at first, because fire and warmth are not my area, and they began to look sceptical. The past few weeks I’d gotten plenty of practice, however, so I was still able to heat up the air around the three of us. They began to smile, halfway between awe and relief. Finally. I was helping.
“Hey!” I hadn’t seen the four large men approaching us, but suddenly there they were, looming over us.
My hand snapped back quickly and I scrambled to my feet. They hadn’t said anything more than a greeting, but everything about them put me on edge. I didn’t need to be an empath to see how hungry and cold they were despite the way they squared their shoulders.
“You can do magic?” The first one asked as they continued to approach me. They were blocking off the route back to the building, pushing me down this alley instead.
All I could do was stammer.
Another, taller man got to the point. “You can make warmth?”
Maybe they were fine. Maybe they were nice. They didn’t mean to be menacing. They didn’t mean to be scary. I repeated these things to myself, hopeful they were true. If they were, I’d feel horrible for doing anything rude. If they weren’t… well, would my feeble lying really help? A sleep spell lingered at my fingertips despite my desperate hope.
“I-I…. Yes.” It came out as a squeak.
A few precious seconds passed, with all of us looking between each other. My hope strengthened… And then the taller man grabbed my shoulder. I didn’t even hear the words he started to growl. In my sudden, sharp terror, I turned away to shield myself from whatever attack he might give, and threw out my hand to cast the spell.
While my eyes were covered I heard his body thud against the half-cleared path. The other men yelled in outrage and I pulled up a shield around myself as quickly as I could and held it. When I looked up, however, I saw two men on the ground, not one. Then three, suddenly, as Runa’s bodyguard ducked, weaved, winded and threw the men down one by one. I’d never seen anyone move so fast, so confidently, and with such strength. I stood and stared in awe of this terrifying display of protective violence, horrified and entranced.
T’Valan surveyed her defeated opponents and shoved one with her boot so that he wasn’t face down in the snow. Then she looked at me for a long, long moment, and tilted her head full of silent reproach. Fear was replaced with a deep, sickening guilt. I dropped my shield, ducked my head, and hurried back into the building with a whispered thank you and not even a backwards glance to the aliens I’d met moments before.
Inside the building nobody knew what had happened. They hadn’t even noticed I was gone. They didn’t need my help. They didn’t want it. And I couldn’t give it.
I sat down behind Runa as she worked the desk.
I sat down, and stayed safe.
And hoped that helped.
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